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Jokes!
A page of jokes...
The Slightly more offensive ones will be located at the botton of the page....just give me a while to get some up.....if ne of these offend you,im sorry:(
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One Liners!
So Many Cats, So Few Recipes!
DISCOURAGE INBREEDING
- BAN COUNTRY MUSIC -
Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't suceed
skydiving is not for you
One good thing about alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day
JESUS SAVES SINNERS
and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you even tried.
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not
screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
A picture is worth a thousand words
but it uses up a thousand times the memory
JESUS SAVES.....but le tissier with the rebound...he shoots....HE SCORES!!!!!!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines
Cat... the other white meat.
I like cats, they taste just like chicken (cant you tell i like these cat jokes!)
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT !
Support mental health or I'll kill you
If you want to have a taste of religion,bite a minister!
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
DAM : Mothers Against Dyslexia (a little distasteful?:S:S)
Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!! (im so so sorry!)
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Why if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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Norty Jokes!!! (not for the faint hearted,lol)
One day a little girl was watching cartoons when a porno came through. The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake."
Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out and the girl said "look mommy they are baking a cake!"
The next day the girl says "mommy you and daddy were baking a cake last night." Her mom replied "how did you know?" The girl said "because I licked the icing off the sofa!"
A boy comes home from school one day, and he says to his mother, "Mom, today I got laid."
The mother is, of course, shocked and says to the boy, "What did you say? Go upstairs to your room and don't come out until your father gets home."
So, the father comes home and the mother says to the father, "Why don't you go upstairs and ask your son what he's been doing today?"
So the father walks up the stairs and gets up there, slams the door and says, "Son, what did you do today?"
And the son said, "Dad, today I got laid."
The father is really proud of his son and all, and he says to his son, "Son, that's great. You're becoming a man. So, how did you like it?"
And the son said, "Dad, it was great, but next time I'm using vaseline, my butt's killing me."
A girl turned 16, and gets her driver's license. She races home and asks her dad if she can use the car that night. Her dad answers,"Sure, if you give me a blow-job".
Shocked, the girl says,"Dad! What are you saying? I'm your daughter!"
Dad says, "It's my car, and if you want to use it, you have to give me a blow-job". After thinking it over, she decides she's waited long enough, so she agrees to her dad's request. He promptly whips it out, and she gets on her knees.
She starts in on the task, when suddenly, she spits his dick out, and exclaims,"aarrgg! There's shit all over your dick!".
Dad slaps himself in the forehead, and says,"Damn, that's right, your brother has the car tonight!".
A man was in the restroom when an Irish man came in and stood next to him at the urinal. The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in. But, he finally couldn't stand it. "I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've ever seen!"
"Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?"
"Sure!" said the first guy. "1st Id like an enormous mansion"
"Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow"
"2nd I'd like a beautiful girlfriend." "Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning."
"3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!"
"OK, but I will have to butt-fuck you first."
Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants and bends over.
The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis the size of yours!"
And the guy answers, "I cant believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"
There was once an Irishman and an Englishman who lived
next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning
would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in theEnglishman's garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and
told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said,
"In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions:
I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up.
Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up,
whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found
his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then
ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for
30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to
kick you." The Irishman replied, "Keep the fucking egg!"
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went
missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him.
He inquired of God, "where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction
and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what
I'm after making".
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "what is it?"
God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it.
I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between
everything on it.
For example, there's North America and South America.
North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor.
Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another
one of blacks in the south.
And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?"
And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place.
That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line.
These people here are going to be great fun and they're going to be foundtravelling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers andsongwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they'regoing to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe."Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE,you said there was going to be a balance... " And God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next door to them!"
Gerry Adams is driving through Belfast and Ian Paisley is
driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no
other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying
off in different directions. Gerry manages to climb out of his car and
survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jasus, I am really
lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, Paisley scrambles out of his car and looks at
his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this
wreck! " Paisley walks over to Adams and says, "Hey Gerry, I think this is a
sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as
friends instead of such rivals." Gerry thinks for a moment and says, "You
know Ian, you're absolutely right! We should be friends and together work
for a better N.Ireland.
Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, Gerry pops open
his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Paddy Powers Irish Whiskey.
He says to Ian, "I think this is another sign from God that
we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." Paisley says,
"You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish
Whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle, Ian hands it back toGerry and says, "Your turn" Gerry twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman
were on a plane which was about to crash.
However, there was only one parachute between them, so
Paddy Scotsman steped up to the door and jumped out,
shouting "I'm doing this for Scotland!".
Inspired by Paddy Scotsman's sacrifice,
Paddy Irishman stepped up to the door and shouting
"I'm doing this for Ireland!",
he pushed Paddy Englishman out of the plane.
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Random Jokes
Q: Why is American beer served cold?
A: So you can distinguish it from urine.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why is oxygen a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A fish.
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What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt you're dead anyhow.
Satan: What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
A man goes into confession and says "forgive me father for i have sinned"
priest: What is your sin
Man: i said a horrible swear word
Priest:what happened?
man:i was playing golf, and when i hit the drive,it flew off into the rough
priest: is that when you swore?
man:no,then a squirril grabbed the ball and ran away with it?
priest:is that when you swore?
man: no...then an eagle flew down and picked up the squirril
priest:is that when you swore?
man: no...the squirril dropped the ball and it landed on the green,about an inch from the hole
Priest: you missed the fucking putt didnt you.
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